If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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