is your mom at the bar?
The best revenge is premature balding
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
