I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
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He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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