When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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