i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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