You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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