My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
