I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
