I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize