he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
