I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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