why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
