Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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