Only a mothe r could love this liver
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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