new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
