I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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