just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
