Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
