Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
