Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
