Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
