dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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