Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
