I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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