she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
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I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
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There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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