I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
