She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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