my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
