Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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