My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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