she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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