On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING