You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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