Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
