I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
