If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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