I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
