Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
