i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
