It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
