We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
