He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
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