I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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