she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
