I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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