Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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