just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
