You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
