barbara walters just said penis...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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