I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
