WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
