My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
