speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
