i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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