every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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