I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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